A sad update

Well, I've really been dreading this post, so that's why I haven't done it yet. I haven't been on to update in a while for various reasons. I have happy updates to give -- our visit with Gigi and Jack, Michael's birthday and party, helping with the boys' classes at school, etc. However, all of those posts have been overshadowed by this one. I didn't take the time to update after of those things occurred and then, I couldn't update after we got our sad news. On Thursday, September 28th we went to the OB for our 12-week checkup. The doctor tried to listen to the baby's heartbeat with a doppler and we couldn't hear it. This isn't uncommon at 12 weeks because it's still in the early stages of being able to hear the baby's heartbeat. We went for an ultrasound, just to check. I didn't have a good feeling and I told Adam that. She used the external wand to check on the baby and we couldn't see a heartbeat. She didn't say anything at first, but I knew what I was seeing. She then did an internal ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. She turned on the sound, just to be sure we couldn't hear it. There was no heartbeat. She did measurements of the baby and he/she only measured 8 weeks, 5 days. So, after having a few minutes to cry and then try to pull ourselves together, we went into her office and discussed our options. We decided to have a D&C done so that we could have genetic testing done to try to determine the case of this loss and also to prevent what could have been a dangerous episode for me. Because I was 12 weeks pregnant (my body was still producing hormones and the gestational sac was still growing, even though the baby wasn't), my doctor was afraid that if I miscarried on my own I could have heavy hemorrhaging and end up in the ER for an emergency D&C. I certainly didn't want to risk that, but most importantly I want to find out what happened to the baby. Since we were having special testing done on the baby, in addition to the regular pathology tests done during a D&C, we had to wait until Monday for the D&C. That made for a very long weekend! Before the surgery, I requested one more ultrasound just to ease my mind. My doctor obliged and came down from her office and patients to do one more ultrasound for us. Unfortunately, nothing had changed. She got the wand in a good position on my stomach and held it there for a short while so we could watch for a heartbeat, but there was nothing. She also measured the baby again and once again, he/she was only 8 weeks, 5 days. She did say those measurements don't necessarily mean that is the exact day that the baby died. It could be that the baby lived longer than that, but over time had started "deteriorating" (she put that as delicately as she could). I had the D&C on Monday and it went well, considering. She was able to collect the tissue to be sent to UAB for genetic testing and also for the regular pathology tests. I did bleed a little more than they expected (she told Adam I lost about "2 Coke cans" of blood, which is about a pint and a half), but they got it under control with Methergine and there were no problems after that. I came home that afternoon and have been doing pretty well since then, considering I came home no longer pregnant because I lost my baby. We haven't gotten the test results yet, but I will update with those as soon as I do. I've spent the last 10 days adjusting to the fact that our baby died and that I am not going to be holding a new baby in my arms in late March like I had planned. That's a very difficult realization to accept. I do hope to have another baby one day. Right now, though, we have to focus on the physical and emotional healing and find out what, if anything, the test results show. Once we receive the results, we will decide what we are going to do. For now, I just have thoughts running through my mind of either having another baby or accepting the fact that Michael, our four-year-old, might be my last baby.

Edited to add: I've tried and tried to post a banner that says, "Remembering Our Babies October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness" but the blogger won't upload the banner. So, for now, I'd like to make you aware that October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. For more information, visit www.october15th.com.